Thursday, January 8, 2009

Eat all you can, for tomorrow you may not have a mouth!

This was one of those dinners where you meet a lot of people, friends of friends of friends. We were all chanting, when suddenly I hear someone say, you know it’s easy to laugh, but do we ever care what the good lord has actually prescribed for us, he actually wants us to pray right now, Allah is merciful, but we have to repay by thanking him and bowing to him. Now I consider myself very tolerant, but when somebody rants like that, attempting to make the whole gathering a sour one, I make it a personal point to tell them soliciting and preaching in public is bad manners, they can take their religious tantrums to wherever, anywhere, but the table that I am sitting on.

Excuse me, I say to him, lifting my wine glass, you were saying, this is the first time I look at him closely. He is of an Arab descent, has a short beard, drinking water and eating a salad, why did he bother coming to this dinner any ways, I say to myself. Yes Sir, you, you were saying. I inquire, he says, we should pray, all this is no good if we don’t thank Allah. Everyone goes into a silence. They start staring at him, he’s repeated the A word twice. I see, I said, so what would happen if do that, well Allah will be pleased with us, and then, well on the day of judgment, we will be passed and allowed to enter heaven, and then, then it will all be good, he says. So that’s where you get your seventy virgins? I ask him, yes, he says. What are you going to do with the seventy virgins? I ask him, I am not supposed to ask such ridiculous questions, Allah does not permit that, I see, I say. So, that would mean that you live in heaven; you have everything you want to eat, and freedom and safety and security and seventy beautiful women, to donk, right? Asstaghfurillaaah, he cries. There will be no such filth in the heavens, he says. Woah! I say, what do you mean there will be no such filth, you mean to say sex is filth, but of course, it is a method of reproduction and nothing else, the lust in it will not be there and there will be no reproduction. So tell me I ask him again, since there is no filth, there is probably no poo or pee either, but of course, he smiles, heaven will be completely pure and clean of any manly ghastly excretes.

This is getting interesting, I point to his flies, you know good sir, what you have in there, serves two purposes, you pee with it, and you donk with it. And since you will not be doing either of the two acts, you definitely are not going to have that in heaven. He thinks, it’s a possibility, no sir, it is an eventuality, you will be without your most prized possession in heaven! He thinks, well I wouldn’t call it my most prized possession, I cut him short, your god has been unkind to you, he has been magnanimous to me! The Arab is confused, this was not what he was asking for when he yearned on this debate. Everyone around is either giggling, or nodding, or smiling, some have their hands on their mouths, others are blatantly laughing out loud. So here is the deal good sir, I’m not letting him go this easy, first of all, I cannot live with 70 virgins, two reasons, who the hell is going to teach them everything, it’s hard enough teaching one virgin something, what do you do with freaking 70 of them, and even more difficult is the notion that well there is nothing there to be looked forward to. I raise my hands, stare at his flies, he looks left, and then to the ceiling, I am sure he is asking for divine intervention, expecting god will fight for him where he has not been able to fight for himself. So let me tell you this good sir, eat all you can now, for tomorrow you may not have a mouth to eat from, Salut! And I throw the tequila shot down, amidst applause in the background…

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

hahaha! You were nothing short of cruel! But then he asked for it